best of craigslist

[LTrain06]

So I am perusing Craigslist the other day for new jobs (Cuz the temp job I am at SUCKS) and I come across "best of craigslist" which I had never really read before. I was really happy I was the only one in the office at the time, because I was fucking laughing out loud. So, here's my idea, let's post our favorites, or maybe, if you're lazy, I will just post some so you can all laugh.

Rave: Your Hummer.

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Mon May 24 13:48:09 2004


There you were with your red, pouty lips. Gorgeous. Your friend with her long flowing blonde hair. Blasting your thumping system at noon on a Monday. You knew we were all looking at you two in your white, flawless Hummer. You were talking on your phone, laughing as you almost knocked over the messenger as you flew around the corner from Montgomery onto Sacramento. You showed him.

As you both looked around at us peons running around on this busy Monday, throwing your snide I-think-being-head-cheerleader-five-years-ago-still-makes-me-cool looks around, we all looked to you for some guidance as to how we too could actually be *such cunts* without speaking.

You almost killed the 90 year old Asian man as you pulled into the parking garage on Sacramento. We were all shocked at your actions, hoping that someday, a couple of bitches like yourselves would get what was coming.

I guess you were going a little too fast to see the “Maximum Height 7’” sign. Maybe you should have rethought those extra large tires. But, I will say that nothing, and I mean NOTHING in this world sounds as good as the roof of a Hummer being crushed by a huge, concrete overhang.

Please, let me just say “Bravo”.

[LTrain06]

OMFG, Gay porn guy across the courtyard, WT fucking F??

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Tue May 11 01:34:57 2004


Dear gay porn guy-

What in the fucking fuck is your problem? I mean shit, I have given up at least a gallon of spew to jenna jameson, so please dont let me get in the way of your porn viewing addiction, but jesus, why in the fuck is it EVERY TIME, and I do mean E V E R Y T I M E I look out my window, I have to see some man fucking on your 80's budget model television set??? WHY??? Can I like, GIVE YOU MONEY so you can get some blinds for your house? My friends come over and they are all, "hey, is that guy.. AWWWWWWWW MAN, that guy was watching gay porn the LAST time I was over here!" Dude, if its like hours when people are awake, bet on being able to see gay porn out across the courtyard of my building. And you know who you are you gay porn freak. Whats with that bird you have in a cage? Thats just wrong, but a completely different rant, none the less.

So, gay porn guy, I commend your effort to jerk off 37 times a day, and while the occasional glimpse of man fucking is good comedy for a straight guy, do me, and everyone in my building (yeah, its made the elevator small talk) a favor and CLOSE YOUR FUCKING BLINDS YOU GAY PORN WATCHING FREAK!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around 13th St.,

[LTrain06]

For the Crazy Middle-Aged Office Lady

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Tue May 04 12:36:40 2004


I have finally been pushed way over the edge. After nearly a year of sitting next to you, you crazy crazy bitch, I am unable to contain my anger towards you. Since you and your husband play bridge every weekend with our HR director and her husband, I feel it is a safe assumption that if I told you any of this to your face, you'd cry and I'd somehow either get written up or fired, so hopefully you'll read this since I know you surf CL after you saw it on the news, you lame bitch.

First, your annoying screensaver that makes little laughing baby noises makes me want to smash your computer to bits. It is awful enough that each time I have to walk away from my soul-stealing cube I have to see blooming flowers and babies on your big screen, but no, I get to hear the gurgling and laughing noises made by your computer when you're away. You're away a lot. When I politely asked you to take down that aquarium one with the fish that made the loud bubbling noises, the point wasn't for you to replace it with something worse. Now that ever other old cow in the office has made much to do about the fucking cooing baby one I have zero hope that will ever go away.

Next, there's your constant barrage of phone calls to your husband concerning the welfare and whereabouts of your deranged teen son. I'd probably be doing all I could to stay away from home and hitting the bottle and doobie pretty hard if I were your kid. Talking about it all the time in loud phone calls to your husband gets the hairy old cow on the other side of you to stand and commiserate on the decline of youth today, and stops both of you from working, as well as prevents me from doing any actual thinking because I am listening to you two bitch or you bitch to your husband.

You microwave leftover tuna casserole and eat it at your desk. Damn, that shit stinks. Since you use your lunch time to surf your christian and "forum" websites, I get to smell your nasty lunch. Lucky me and everyone else sitting around you.

Speaking of your christianity and the landmark forum crap, please stop trying to recruit me and fellow cube-dwelling slaves to your cult shit. We don't want to pay $$$ to go to some fucking brain-bending seminars, we don't want to hear about how much more enlightened you are, and we don't want to hear about how you're always labeled a "giver." Fuck off. No, I don't care that christ died for my sins. I am here to do a job which finances my free time, not be converted. I told you this before, and to avoid me hauling you to HR about it, now you talk loudly to your hairy cow friend to make sure I can hear about your extreme bliss. Praise Geezus on your own fucking time.

Cheap perfume really doesn't improve the air quality of our office too much, unless you've microwaved tuna that day. Spraying yet more of it on your bloated body in the middle of the day at your cube is just plain evil. When I was over here sneezing, and asked you to stop, I didn't mean just for that particular day, I meant, don't spray that ever at your desk. Go to the bathroom. Geez.

We all love when Excel gives you fits because after ten years of using this program you've still somehow not mastered the art of page formatting so your printouts are evenly spaced. No, I won't show you again. Perhaps your HR friend will send you to yet another class for this issue, because wow is that a great way to spend company money. I do find your handwritten notebook listing locations of files on your computer very amusing. It is especially amusing to know that you earn far more than me for doing far less actual work.

I wear my headphones so I don't have to overhear you talking all the time. Kudos to you for bringing up the subject of headphones in our last "Team Time" meeting and complaining you thought wearing headphones did not help team collaboration. You are the undeniable master of passive aggressive office tactics, and frankly I honestly didn't realize my input on your cat's vomiting problems was so fucking valuable.

Thanks for the hand-painted water bottles you fashioned for our entire team. Yes, I love being told by our supervisor to please start using these when we get our water. Nothing heartens me more than to belly up to the water cooler and fill a flowery water bottle with a hand-painted cat on it. Really, thanks.

And finally, thanks for being the pariah and always coming to work when you're sick. I like that I can reliably depend on you to show up with a cold or the flu and pass it along to all of us because you are so loyal and don't want to use the four years of accumulated sick time you have. How else would I be able to keep up with the constantly changing viral environment?

Man, I wish there were more open jobs. I am too chickenshit to slit my wrists, but bitch, you make me fantasize constantly about how good that might be. I think of doing it in front of you, and how that would fuck you up, but I don't want to be a story you tell your hairy middle-aged friends over glasses of boxed wine with ice cubes. Oh no.

Whew. I feel like just let off a big load.

[LTrain06]

Free Awful Couch

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Mon May 24 14:41:28 2004


I am offering an awful couch for someone willing to pick it up. The couch comes in five awful sections that allow you to create lots of shapes.

There are 3 'corner' pieces and 2 'straight' pieces. If I remember my high school math correctly there are this many configurations:

1 where none of the pieces are touching
3 where only two sections are touching each other and the others are independent
3 where there are two sections of two and one section is all by it's lonesome
6 where three pieces touching each other and two are separate
6 where there is one group of three and one group of two
7 where there are four pieces in a cluster and one by itself
7 where all five are together

For a total of 33 different ways to arrange this couch collective. That doesn't include silly configurations like having a corner section between two straight pieces, or having a closed in setup with three corner pieces and a straight piece leaving a small entry-way. I think if you made that configuration upside down and nailed the sections together you could make a kickass fort though.

The point is, even when you make a sane couch out of these pieces, it doesn't work well at all. Three pieces together is absurdly long, and two pieces together is too short for adults. There is always a monster bump between sections that the cushions don't cover so you can forget about sleeping on this thing.

The cushions are ratty and the zippers on them scratch you all the time. It is heavy enough to scratch the floor but light enough to move around on you unless there is a rug or something under everything. The whole thing is perpetually dusty, probably from the disintegrating foam in the cushions.

The couch pieces aren't very heavy, but they are awkward and hard to carry.

I got this for free by answering an ad here on craigslist so you aren't finding a bargain even though it will go for zero dollars as advertised.

The only good thing about this couch as far as I know (I don't know much about its past, so there could be MUCH worse things) is that there don't seem to be any urine or feces stains on it at all. In fact, I didn't detect any body fluids at all after a quick check. If this is a problem for you, my body is practically a factory for poop so we can arrange something for you. I am very accommodating in that way.

[LTrain06]

600 / 0br - COZY STUDIO apartment in the Village, OWN a 3x3 foot SQUARE!!!

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Wed May 19 12:50:03 2004


RENT YOUR 3x3 foot SQUARE!!! $600

I am looking for 3 people (who will have separate shifts to share the space) to rent out my “space” in my apartment. It’s a 3x3’ foot square which includes a pillow and a bucket. You do not have access to the apartment; however, I will allow you to walk from the door to your ‘area’ in a straight line. You're 'space' will be outlined by NEON Duct-tape on the floor!

The shifts are as follows:
one person from 9am – 5 pm, one person from 5pm – 1 am, and 1am – 9am. No overlapping as an overage charge will be placed on your rent. This is the right kind of deal for a student with a useless major (English. Drama, Pottery) or an actor who has no potential and will probably never make it, but lives off of daddy’s trust fund.

YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO ANY FALICLITIES IN MY APARTMENT. FIND YOUR OWN BATHROOM OR SHOWER, THERE IS A BURGER KING ON THE CORNER, AND A BODY SHOP 3 BLOCKS AWAY. YOU SLEEP, WAKE UP, LEAVE!!!!

I DO NOT ALLOW ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN ME AND MY RENTERS, IF YOU BOTHER ME, I WILL RAISE YOUR RENT. IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS PLEASE CALL MY CELL PHONE AND LEAVE A POLITE VOICE MAIL.

FIRST+LAST + SECURITY DEPOSIT REQUIRED LOOKING FOR SOMEONE VERY LONG TERM -2-3 YEARS

There are about 4 of these ‘squares’ in my apartment, Will go FAST, REPLY ASAP, to MOVE IN ASAP!

[Macha]

FOR CAL.....Go get'er






I AM EVERYTHING NO ONE WANTS - 29

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Reply to: [e-mail]
Date: Sat Apr 17 21:05:02 2004


Looking for someone you're NOT interested in? Look no further!

I AM FAT! Yes, you heard me right. Not cute and chubby. Not Rubenesque. Not voluptuous. I'm plain, old-fashioned F-A-T. Call it whatever you want, there's no amount of big, oversized shirts and baggy sweats over three times too small spandex and girdles that can hide the fact that I'm a flabby, chunky, whale of a woman. Yeah, I can use all that secret code and say I'm a BBW or justify it by saying that there's "more to love"... but if you met me, all you're gonna do is take one look and say, "Hot DAMN, she's fucking FAT!"

And not only am I fat, but I'm a fat CHINK too! You know how Margeret Cho looked BEFORE she lost the weight and AFTER she gained it back? Yup, that's me. And before you tell me that she's not a Chink; she's a Gook, what the hell does it really matter? It's not like you non-Asian folks can tell the freaking difference anyways.

Given that I'm a Chink and all the pre-conceived notions of what Asian women are supposed to be like, this increases my list by several factors.

UNlike "all" other Asian women, I'm TALL! So you're not gonna get a itty bitty little petite China fuck-doll to coddle over. Chances are that if I ever met you, (especially all the "six-foot" men on CL,) I'm gonna tower over you, because not only am I 5'9", I like to add insult to injury by wearing shoes that have at least 2" think soles.

UNlike "all" other Asian women, I'm LOUD! So you can forget about the giggly little soft-spoken Oriental flower you THINK you're gonna meet. I'm gonna laugh as loud as I fucking want and I'm probably gonna laugh EXTRA loud behind your back when I talk to my friends about your obnoxious, self-important opinions and your undoubtedly weird as fuck habits.

Which leads to to other things...

I HAVE OPINIONS. And while I might have cared about what your opinions were, that pretty much ends when you start spouting off what you think like everything you say is the freaking addendum to the ten commandments or something. You have no respect for what I think, I have less than that for what you think.

I AM CHEAP. Yes, I expect a man to be a freaking MAN and offer to pay for shit. Sure, I might not take you up on it, but then again, I might. And guys who wait and watch for me to take out my own wallet before they'll take out theirs when the check comes are cheap fucking bastards. On TOP of that, if I offer to pay for something and you fucking LET me... why don't you just fucking move back in with your parents and just mooch off of them for eternity and leave the rest of us women and our wallets alone.

I AM SHALLOW. Oh sure, I'm no Cindy Crawford or Tyra Banks or whoever the hot new young "thang" is out there. (Who the hell keeps up with that stupid stuff anyways?) But *I* don't want to date a freaking Sasquatch anymore than the men around here want to date Roseanne. (Yes, in my head, Roseanne = Sasquatch.) I may be everything no one wants, but I'm not desperate either.

I AM UNHYGIENIC. I don't shave my legs and underarms every freaking day. If I don't think anyone's gonna be looking, why the hell should I be playing contortionist and balancing acts in my bathroom for no one? That's just RETARDED. I pick my nose. I will find weird little things on my body and smell them to figure out what they are. I have a period stain on my underwear right now as I'm typing this AND I don't regularly floss. It's not like I've been meeting any Mr. Cleans out there either, so fucking deal.

I SMOKE. Like a fucking chimney. And I'm not going to quit. So take all your "Smoking is bad for you" comments and shove it up your pristine, smokeless nose. I'm killing you with my second-hand smoke? Then get the hell away from me and stop standing next to me and breathing it in! Unless you're a slug or something, you can walk away can't you? And what the hell are you doing in New York City if you don't like breathing things in that are bad for you? I don't care about your "Smoking is bad for you" crap. You think you're telling me something I don't know? You think I've been living under a rock and missed all the anti-smoking idiocy that permeates the whole freaking planet? I FEEL like slowly killing myself, so fuck off! Talk to me when you stop ingesting McDonald's and all fried foods and meat and all the other crap that can kill you out there. And if you already don't do any of that stuff, then fucking get out of your plastic bubble and get a life. If you're not doing anything that's killing you, then you're probably not even living to begin with. You're sure gonna feel like a fucking idiot when you're lying in the hospital however many years from now dying of NOTHING.

I SMOKE POT. And I inhale too.

MY FAMILY IS NOT NORMAL. I only elaborate with my therapist about that. And by "therapist," I mean whomever I'm dating.

I AM NOT NORMAL. I get urges to do strange things and I will ask to do them. Not all the time, but every once in a while. It's mainly curiosity that drives me, but nonetheless I like to have my curiosity satisfied. And if you don't let me do them, I will probably bug you until you do let me. I like putting make-up on guys. I like to hold a guy's dick when he pees. I like to spanked. I will get fascinated by certain body parts and probably play with that body part incessantly until it drives you nuts, and not in a good way. If you beat me at a game, I will want to play it with you ALL the time until I beat you at least once. And even then, I might still make you play it until I can beat you on a semi-regular basis. I will try to stick my finger up your nose. I will give you wet willies. I will insist that when I karate chop you, you must pretend to die. I like to play D&D. I will try to cup your balls in a soup ladle. I will decorate your penis with things that I think will look cute/funny on it and probably want to take a picture too. The list is endless.

I SNORE. And occasionally I talk in my sleep too. Sometimes in Chinese. And I steal the blankets.

I'VE GOT A DIRTY SENSE OF HUMOR. I like sex jokes. I like fart jokes. I'll imagine people's "O" faces and snicker to myself over them, and I'll find dirty innuendos in everything people say. No, it's not ladylike. And fuck you.

BUT I ACT LIKE AN INNOCENT ANGEL BECAUSE I AM DECEPTIVE THAT WAY. No, I don't lie about big things. (In those cases, I would look at the next paragraph.) But I will act way too polite even if I'm offended by something you do, (especially if I'm not familiar with you,) or I'll act all innocent about "naughty" things because I have a deeply ingrained fear of disapproval and rejection. So what? Like 90% of the people on earth don't. And if you think that's cowardly, let me take advantage of CL's gift of anonymity to say FUCK YOU!

I AM TOO STRAIGHTFORWARD. If I want to know something, I will just ask you, regardless of if it's polite or not. I'll ask you how much you make. I'll ask you how old you are. If you have a booger hanging out of your nose, I'll say so. If you send me a picture of you that shows that you have hair, and then I meet you and you're really bald, I will say, "Hey, you're bald." If I've gotten to know you really well and something that you do has pushed me beyond the bounds of sanity, I will call you on it. Sometimes in conjunction with some sort of tempermental breakdown.

I AM AN AVOIDER. If I feel a tempermental breakdown approaching, I will do all things possible to try to not have to go through it, usually by completely ignoring you and/or avoiding you at all costs. If you're not a good friend of mine and it gets to the point where I am just not comfortable with you because you have proven yourself to be a freak of nature, I will have no qualms with never speaking to you again.

I AM TWO-FACED. I can hate your guts and still act really, really nice towards you. In fact, I have had people whom I absolutely hated think that I am their best friend. All the while, all I can think about is if I can get away with gouging their eyes out, because if I do, they'd be blind and have no way of identifying their attacker.

YOU CAN NOT FIGURE ME OUT. Don't even try. It's useless.

I DON'T ALWAYS FINISH WHAT I START... and that's why I'm not going to continue with this stinking list because I'm tired and I want to go to sleep. And I'll probably snore extra loud just for you.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[pete]

*~*BORRRRRRRINNNGGGGG*~*

[mandah]

im not very fond of reading...and not very good...even peters last comment took a while

[2Short]

Macha-

I read it all. I would have fucked her had it not been for her having opinions.