Cunnulingus Advice

[2Short]

Check this out. My ex-girlfriend's brother IMed me the other day. He said that his friend needed advice and that I'd be better at it than he would. Here's what was said (it's long, but funny and educational--the way public access TV should be):

SOME FOOL: yo
RedAres9: hey
SOME FOOL: u wanna help me wit a prob? im cals friend
RedAres9: yeah, he told me
RedAres9: yeah, ill help
RedAres9: if im graphic, though, youll have to excuse me
RedAres9: so, go ahead and ask
SOME FOOL: ummm i wanan eat my girl out, u got any advice?
RedAres9: ok, first things first
RedAres9: does she shave?
SOME FOOL: yeapp
RedAres9: sweet
RedAres9: ok, do you need help asking her to do it or just on actually doing it?
SOME FOOL: this fri i am
SOME FOOL: she comin ova
RedAres9: right
RedAres9: do you need help bringing it up to her or do you just need help with the actual physics of going down on her?
SOME FOOL: goin down on her and doin it, i kno how 2 get 2 the part but i dont kno how 2 do it
RedAres9: well, theres a few things to keep in mind
RedAres9: first
RedAres9: you need to establish a rythym
RedAres9: you cant just let your tongue have seizures on her vag
SOME FOOL: lmao
RedAres9: you have to keep a steady pace
SOME FOOL: iight
SOME FOOL: wat else
RedAres9: ok, do you know where her clit is?
RedAres9: not just the opening, the actual clitorus?
SOME FOOL: umm lol dont think so
RedAres9: ok, hold on
SOME FOOL: kk
RedAres9: direct connect
RedAres9 wants to directly connect.
SOME FOOL wants to directly connect.
SOME FOOL is now directly connected.
RedAres9:

SOME FOOL: so the top of it?
RedAres9: yeah
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: the lips meet at the top
RedAres9: it forms a little ball of...stuff
RedAres9: thats the most sensitive part of a girl's equipment
RedAres9: its where all of her nerves meet
SOME FOOL: can u see the "ball of stuff" good? lkiek could i tell when i see it?
RedAres9: yeah
RedAres9: if theres some light you should be able to see it
RedAres9: you may have to spread her outer lips to see it
RedAres9: you could do it or have her do it
RedAres9: but once shes all exposed you should be able to see it
SOME FOOL: iight
SOME FOOL: do i lick that?
RedAres9: eventually\
RedAres9: its like starting a car in the winter, you have to give it time to warm up
RedAres9: so you first have to do some teasing
RedAres9: you start by licking her lips
SOME FOOL: inside of them> or outside?
RedAres9: the inside
RedAres9: the soft and wet stuff
SOME FOOL: iight
RedAres9: take your tongue, start at the outside of the inside (that should make sense), and then swirl it around, making the circles smaller until you get to her vagina
SOME FOOL: the outside of the inside? lol
RedAres9: you know what im saying?
RedAres9: like, the edge of her lips and then go in
SOME FOOL: no
SOME FOOL: ohh ok
SOME FOOL: got it
RedAres9: ok
RedAres9: then swirl back to the outside and then go back in. repeat several times. dont operate heavy machinery while doing this.
SOME FOOL: kk
RedAres9: when youre doing this its important to remember what i said about rythym. keep a steady pace. and make sure that youre breathing correctly. hold your breath too long and youll pass out on her vag, which wont be a story to tell your grandkids.
SOME FOOL: lmao
SOME FOOL: nice
SOME FOOL: hopefuklly it dont smell like fish
SOME FOOL: haha
RedAres9: ok, so remember that.
RedAres9: well, depending it might not
SOME FOOL: nahh i figered her, she dont
RedAres9: but you probably know better than me
RedAres9: so
RedAres9: after youve done the spiral a few times she should be grinding your face
RedAres9: or at least moaning heavily
SOME FOOL: "she should be grinding your face"
SOME FOOL: watta u mean?
RedAres9: shell be humping your face, man
RedAres9: she should be pumping her hips up and down
RedAres9: or spiraling them, depending on her
RedAres9: but you should have some hip motion from her
RedAres9: we good?
SOME FOOL: yea

[2Short]

This had to be done in two posts because it's long. Continued:

RedAres9: ok, at this point its time to go vertical
RedAres9: you start at the bottom of her lips and trace your tongue up to her clit
RedAres9: youll pass over the vagina, but dont go in, you still have to tease her for a while
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: ok, when you do that she should really start with the grinding
SOME FOOL: hehe yay
RedAres9: ok, so when shes doing that youre going to want to go ahead and finish her off mortal kombat style.
RedAres9: too much teasing is just mean.
SOME FOOL: haha
SOME FOOL: dude ur like my hero ( when it comes 2 this, i aint gay lol )
RedAres9: ha, dont worry about it
RedAres9: I did this for 45 minutes last night and it was magic
RedAres9: so i dont mind helping out
SOME FOOL: haha nice
SOME FOOL: lucky fuker
SOME FOOL: lol
RedAres9: indeed
RedAres9: so, this last part requires some concentration
RedAres9: if you do this part wrong the entire thing isnt really worth it for her, so youre going to want to know this
SOME FOOL: ok im listeing
RedAres9: ok, youre still going to be going up and down, but theres additional moves
SOME FOOL: combo's? haha
RedAres9: you dont go all the way down to the bottom of the vag anymore. at this point, the lowest youll be going is to her vag
RedAres9: yeah
RedAres9: i meant bottome of the lips
RedAres9: youre going to be operating between the clit and the vagina opening
SOME FOOL: kk
RedAres9: ok, when you go down the her vag you actually stick your tongue in
RedAres9: you might not get to far, 1-3 inches depending on how long your tongue is
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: ok, then, on your way up to the clit you have to press your tongue against her
RedAres9: you dont just lick anymore, you have to apply some pressure
SOME FOOL: put pressure on her clit?
RedAres9: no, pressure on the skin between the vagina opening and the clit
SOME FOOL: ok
SOME FOOL: like full tounge? or just the tip?
RedAres9: tip
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: if you look at the picture i sent you the skin is the dark area below the clit
RedAres9: you want to press that
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: ok, we clear?
SOME FOOL: yea
RedAres9: ok
RedAres9: ok, when you get to her clit you want to flick your tongue against it as quick as you can
SOME FOOL: can do
RedAres9: really quick and short up and down movements with your tongue
RedAres9: now, if shes moving her hips a lot it might be hard to flick the clit. if shes doing this, gently hold her clit against your tongue with your top set of teeth
RedAres9: no biting, just hold it in place
SOME FOOL: short up and down movements with your tongue on her clit?
RedAres9: yeah
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: it wont hurt her unless you do it too hard, so dont worry about that
SOME FOOL: lol that would suk if i bit hard lol
RedAres9: yeah, a mouth full of blood and a face full of cream is the last thing you need
SOME FOOL: haha
RedAres9: so, after you get your technique down youll have to speed up because as she works towards orgasm shes going to be pumping faster ande faster
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: so, heres the rythym youre going to want to get, try to visualize it
RedAres9: when she moves her hips up youll want to move down to her vag opening and go in with your tongue
RedAres9: then when she moves her hips down youll move your face up to her clit
RedAres9: you match her hip rythym, but go in the opposite direction
SOME FOOL: gotcha
RedAres9: ok
SOME FOOL: wait
SOME FOOL: when i got her lips spread is it ganan b easy 2 get inside her vag?
RedAres9: yeah
RedAres9: i mean, it depends on how youre doing it
RedAres9: like body position
RedAres9: the easiest way to do it is to have her laying on her back
SOME FOOL: thats how its ganan be
RedAres9: then you lay on your stomach with your face in her crotch
RedAres9: so, if thats how youre working, youll have good access to the inside of her vag
SOME FOOL: ok
SOME FOOL: kool
SOME FOOL: continue lol
RedAres9: ok, the last things to know are just some finishing touches
RedAres9: when it gets to the end a nice touch is to double pump your tongue into her vag. instead of just going in and out, go in and out a few times real fast before moving back up to her clit.
SOME FOOL: ohhhh ok, we close 2 gettin her 2 orgasim?
RedAres9: yeah
RedAres9: the faster shes moving the closer she is
RedAres9: so this is what you do when shes moving fast
SOME FOOL: ok
RedAres9: ok, the last thing is not always possible, but its good to do if you can
RedAres9: the most sensitive part of the entire vagina is the clit. orgasms derived from clitoral stimulation are more intense and pleasurable that those derived from the vagina.
RedAres9: you get what im saying?
RedAres9: a girl doesnt need penetration to orgasm
SOME FOOL: got it
SOME FOOL: so i gogta focum on the clit rite?
RedAres9: no, make it half and half
RedAres9: but
RedAres9: if you can end the experience at her clit, it will be better for her
RedAres9: so if you can and you get her rythym down, try to make her finish when youre at her clit.
SOME FOOL: ok
SOME FOOL: when she gets an orgasim.... is it ganan shoot out like when a guy cums?
RedAres9: it shouldnt
RedAres9: some girls do
RedAres9: but its a small percent
RedAres9: so you shouldn’t expect it
SOME FOOL: lol
SOME FOOL: tru
RedAres9: youll be able to tell when she orgasms
SOME FOOL: then i stop?
RedAres9: shell probably strain really hard against your face. shell probably stop humping and just press against you really hard. shell probably hold her breath, too.
SOME FOOL: after that i just stop?
RedAres9: yeah, after that shes probably going to be really relaxed and need time to recharge
RedAres9: thats a good point to go and wash off your face and maybe brush your teeth
SOME FOOL: haha
RedAres9: then go back and lay down with her and let her tell you how good it was
SOME FOOL: ill bring some soda haha
SOME FOOL: well thanks dude, i would of totaly suked ass
SOME FOOL: how long u think all this will last?
RedAres9: dont worry about it, man. just let callahan know how it went and have him tell me.
RedAres9: around 15 minutes
SOME FOOL: dam!
SOME FOOL: lol
SOME FOOL: even for a prude gurl?
RedAres9: dont worry, the time seriously flies
RedAres9: yeah
RedAres9: because its your motion thats controlling her
SOME FOOL: iight well ill try 2 do it
SOME FOOL: u go 2 pbc?
SOME FOOL direct connection is closed.
RedAres9: pbc?
SOME FOOL: palb beach central high?
RedAres9: dude, im a senior in college
SOME FOOL: palm**
SOME FOOL: lmao
SOME FOOL: wow!
SOME FOOL: haha
RedAres9: i go to Bradley University
SOME FOOL: opps haha i was ganan say i got ur back but u aint in my skewl
SOME FOOL: lol
RedAres9: hahaha, dont worry about it
SOME FOOL: well u ever need ne thing lemme kno
RedAres9: ok, just glad i could help out
SOME FOOL: ok i gotta go eat dinner
SOME FOOL: ill ttyl
RedAres9: ok, later. good luck.
SOME FOOL: thanks u 2

[censored]

SOME FOOL: ok i gotta go eat dinner

Was she coming over right then??


Looks like fish and a pea for this young fella.

[Dane's_Mods_Sux]

WOW.

I vote that the BEST post. EVER.

[Macha]

Dane's_Mods_Sux said:

WOW.

I vote that the BEST post. EVER.

Ditto.


Damn, I haven't gotten any good head in a long time. That has been the best yet.

CAL's the MAN!

[Cheese]

Macha said:

CAL's the MAN!

DUDE! Cal you should right a book, and make every man (and woman) buy it. I'm sure it won't be hard to sell if you put your face on the cover... or a picture of a big vag.

Best. Post. Ever.

I'm sure all of the girls here are very jealous now.

[noshit]

cal, GLORIOUS post! i enjoyed every moment... and youre so right.. i want to hear updates... cause the big day was yesterday! so post that shit! hopefully he did a good job. hahah.. if he didnt, he wasnt reading... LOL..

[LTrain06]

am I the only one who got really turned on reading that?

Cal you are the master of disaster. That should be part of the Bible or something, so every guy has to read it.

Here's a question for the guys: how can you tell a guy how you want him to go down on you, without sounding demanding? The guy I've been seeing said he doesnt like when a girl is demanding, but when he goes down on me, he goes right to the clit and it aint cool. Cuz then I get the shakes, which is not really an orgasm, just overly sensitive and then it kinda hurts. which is way TMI. how do I sensitively explain the whole oral thing?

[Dane's_Mods_Sux]

LTrain06 said:

am I the only one who got really turned on reading that?

Cal you are the master of disaster. That should be part of the Bible or something, so every guy has to read it.

Here's a question for the guys: how can you tell a guy how you want him to go down on you, without sounding demanding? The guy I've been seeing said he doesnt like when a girl is demanding, but when he goes down on me, he goes right to the clit and it aint cool. Cuz then I get the shakes, which is not really an orgasm, just overly sensitive and then it kinda hurts. which is way TMI. how do I sensitively explain the whole oral thing?

*RAISES HAND* I was also turned on reading it.

Regarding your question on how to tell your guy...why don't you let him read that post and that will open up the discussion on how YOU like it done...

[noshit]

fuck him, el! lol.. if you tell him how you want it, it doesnt mean youre demanding! like for instance, youre sucking his cock, right? and he goes... "go harder, yeah, right there.. play with my nuts" whatever he says.. does that make him demanding? of course not.. but if i were you, i would say, "hey, i would really like you to try ...... " and give him an example.. or a way to go around sounding like he's doing it wrong you can do this... "oh baby, i really like it when you do... " and give him example.. that way he knows he's doing something right.. and he wont get defensive. but hey.. if he doesnt like you for you.. fuck him.. and not literally.. if he thinks youre demanding for wanting him to go down on you the way YOU like it.. he's NOT for you.. and you can find a man that will give you what you like!

[Stinkfist]

how do you ask a girl to go down on her without sounding demanding :{

-stink

[noshit]

how do you ask a girl to go down on her? ummm.. i want to eat your pussy, bitch. now spread um.


and thats how its done.

[Macha]

Stinkfist said:

how do you ask a girl to go down on her without sounding demanding :{

-stink

Didn't we already go over this with you , stinky?

Get with the program.

[2Short]

Stink-

What you do is make out and groan a lot. Then after she notices all of your groaning she'll ask, "What?" That's when you hit her with the line.

As for the toolbox fool who I gave this masterful advice to, his girlfriend got grounded because her little sister found naughty Polaroids of her and showed her parents. She's been grounded, so he hasn't been able to pretend he's me.

Who takes Polaroids? Seriously. You need to video tape that shit.

[noshit]

fuckin a! i wanted an update.